A Higher Standard

Sex, love and relationships are three very different things and often they overlap but not always. Not nearly always. They all exist independent of each other. And despite our conditioning to believe that there is a scarcity of these available to us, there is not. All three exist in plenty on planet earth.

It's been shown many times that love can be felt with many people and it can lead to or be a result of sex and/or relationship or not. It can occur as a beautiful moment in time. A gift to be celebrated and treasured along the journey of life. A surrender to the connection of love can bring us deeper into ourselves, consciousness and belief in the goodness of humanity.

Sex can be experienced with many and similarly, can lead to or be a result of love and/or relationship. It can also be exactly what it is in that moment and nothing more or less. It can be a beautiful connection with another soul. A time of intimacy shared with another being. A release of all expectations of love or relationship can allow for a space of connection and magic without subsequent heart break.

Love and sex are two of the greatest pleasures of the human experience. Allowing them to be plentiful goes a long way towards creating a fulfilled life.

Relationships of the long term, committed, relationship type require a compatibility that is extraordinary. They require a desire to create a third being, the relationship, and to nurture it and care for it as one would a child. Without this, the relationship will dissolve and intertwined lives will find ways to disentangle or remain miserable in their entanglement.

Relationships that result because of love or sex many times find that they don't have the compatibility or commitment to the relationship necessary for longevity. And, yet, attraction is also paramount to the success of chemistry in a relationship and love and sex are the juiciness of a relationship. The current paradigm of relationships needs to be called to a higher standard in order for us to see success in relationships. 

I believe that as a culture, a new understanding of these three components of humanity would take us far in our evolution. Most of us are designed to experience all three. How to experience them well takes emotional maturity and understanding of what is occurring.

Conscious Uncoupling

I recently ran across an old article about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. They were divorcing at the same time that I was and I remember reading their statement about Conscious Uncoupling. It was sensational and ridiculed but there were couples that were already doing this despite the standard narrative that divorce had to be ugly and painful. I considered myself to be conscious and peace loving but my uncoupling did not occur in that way despite my desires for it to. For whatever reason, some things happen as they should rather than as we would choose but I did do my absolute best throughout the process.

It didn't help that I felt crushed by shame and guilt regarding getting divorced. The conditioning from religion and society was very heavy and deep in my psyche. Divorce was not an option. That was drilled in my head and despite the fact that I was getting divorced, so clearly it was an option, those words that I grew up with fucked with me big time. 

Then on top of the stigma of divorce was the "single mother" stigma. Double whammy. The vision of a used up woman that no one wants, that is struggling to make ends meet to feed her children, her body no longer desirable from pregnancies, vagina stretched out, shunned by men that don't want her children. Yeah, there's a lot of that out there. More standard narrative. Fuck it. That's what I did. I changed the narrative and thankfully many others have too. Feminism has helped to transform this but it still exists. 

The reality is that divorce rates are near 70% according to some statistics and that doesn't include domestic partnerships that aren't legally married. That's a lot of people walking around loaded down with shame and guilt. Wow. What about a new narrative? How can we create new possibilities for relationships? Human beings are very fluid. Maybe our relationship structures can be too. We are in a time where we enter into relationship for love or desire rather than dependency. We mostly have sex for pleasure rather than procreation. Our ways of living have changed but the stories that run though our minds bringing us shame and guilt haven't.

Human beings create story after story and those stories play themselves out as the lives that we live. I'm choosing an empowering story. Here's my current one. A hot, badass sex, love and relationship coach, divorced with two amazing kids, having the time of her life and teaching others how to do the same!

Sex Magic

Orgasm is the prayer that vibrates the cosmos. As I went through my sex magic ritual today, those are the words that came to me.

Why do you think that so much has been done to separate people from their sexuality? Our sexuality is where our power lies. When we are in the high vibrational state of sexual turn on and have pure intentions, we can shift the patterns of our subconscious mind and the universe shifts to reflect this new patterning. That is power.

"I recommend the practice of sexual magic to all those who want to know from the depth of their own being that sexual ecstasy and exaltation of the spirit are the same experience in different disguises."~ Deepak Chopra

Say Yes to You

I am here to tell you that now is the time for you to say yes to you. I've been in the shoes that many of you are walking in now. Sex without pleasure. Sex without orgasm. No desire to have sex. No desire to self pleasure. A new body after two pregnancies. Heartbreak. Divorce. Loads of guilt and shame from society and religion. Bit by bit, I've moved through layer after layer. I've stayed with it. Each new sensation a hope and a promise of more to come.

My pleasure is important to me. I knew it was possible to have sexual pleasure. I sought it out. Found teachers and practices. We can all be multi-orgasmic, orgasm in all parts of my bodies, we can ejaculate, have full body orgasms, energetic orgasms, transmute our sexual energy, have transcendent sex. We can have sex that is pleasurable.

We can laugh every day. We can dance every day. I'm here to show you the way. I've faced what was holding me back and keeping me down and I can guide you to do the same. 

Photo Credit Albert Pocej

My journey home

“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.” Rumi

I've spent my entire life on one spiritual path or another. I experienced Christianity in childhood and Sikhism in my late twenties and many types yoga for the last seventeen years plus journeys into New Age modalities, Native American practices, Shamanic realms and more. Every path that I've traveled has embedded itself into my being and shaped me into who I am today. I'm grateful for all of the insights and lessons I've learned along the way. As a Tantrika, I have found that everything has shifted for me. I no longer have the experience of God or spirituality as being something outside of myself. I have come to experience my life and my being as God. Rather than moving from my primal nature to my cosmic nature and shooting out into the ether, I bring it back down and integrate my cosmic nature back down to my primal nature. This integration has brought profound feelings of wholeness, completion and connectedness to my body, mind and spirit. I am in acceptance of who I am. I feel as if I am home. I am home. Home isn't some otherworldly plane of existence that I will migrate to after death or after billions of lifetimes. It's here now. This moment is what I have and I am in it for all it is.

I am my shadow self

How can we be whole, integrated beings if there are parts of ourselves that we shun, push away and pretend don't exist? The more that we resist something, the stronger the resistance becomes. The more that I choose love and acceptance of my entire self, the less power emotions have over me. When I welcome in all parts of my experience, the more I can hold space for light and darkness and I am more balanced. Anger is a big emotion that we are conditioned to hide from because it is considered "bad" in our society. For many years, I suppressed and buried this big emotion and as a result, it became bigger. I felt that in order to be "spiritual" I couldn't experience anger. Guess what. I'm spiritual but I'm also human and so are you and there have been many spiritual leaders that experienced righteous anger. As we allow all of our emotions to surface, we can follow them to their core and allow true healing to take place. This healing is freedom and liberation. We are all worthy of this reality.